The PED All Star Game!

As the All Star Game approaches here in tropical St. Louis, fans await the Home Run Derby, the Futures game, and of course the main event (assuming it doesn’t end in a tie and Albert gets to bat).  The one event however that isn’t getting a lot of press right now is the Performance Enhancers All Star game. 

(Before we go any further, I’d like to emphasize that this blog does not attempt to accuse any player of using PEDs nor do I mean to condemn any player currently accused of PED use.  This is for fun people!  All players listed as PED users came from the Mitchell Report, or have since come out in the Press.) 

           

            The rules of the game are simple.  The top alleged PED users will play a team comprised of the best clean players from the PED era as well as the best players in the new “clean” era.  Since this event is all about celebrating stains on America’s Pastime, teams will designate a hitter for their pitchers.  The game will be played on Astroturf, and fans are encouraged to do the wave after consuming ten $12 beers. 

            With that in mind, From out of Right Field proudly announces the lineups for the first ever Performance Enhancers All Star Game!  Fans feel free to boo and release years of anger at the following team’s outright disregard for the code of baseball. 

 

            Batting first and playing second base for Team PED, with a career .289 batting average and 407 illegitimate stolen bases, Chuck Knoblauch! 

Batting second and playing shortstop, the 2004 Home Run Derby champion and age defying Dominican, Miguel Tejada! 

Batting third, this man needs no introduction, 514 stolen bases, 762 career home runs, 7 MVP awards (3 of which belong to Albert Pujols) and owner of Major League Baseball’s largest head both literally and figuratively, Barry Bonds!  

In the cleanup spot, St. Louis’ own fallen hero with 583 questionable home runs, first baseman, Mark McGwire!  Providing protection for the former Home Run king is none other than future pretender to Aaron’s throne, third baseman, Alex Rodriguez.  

               

Rounding out the bottom of the order in no real order, the Dominican mute Sammy Sosa, the now much more fertile Manny Ramirez, and the Godfather of the Steroid Age, Jose Canseco!  

Finally, pitching and electing not to bat, 300 game winner Roger Clemens! 

 

Starting in the field for the hometown Cleaners, playing second base and leading off, with over 3000 legitimate hits, Craig Biggio!  Playing in the outfield and batting in his oddly familiar second spot in the lineup, with 8 Gold Gloves, and 382 clean home runs, St. Louis’ own prodigal son, Jim Edmonds. 

Playing first base, and hitting in the three spot, the now unanimously voted greatest hitter in baseball and possible savior of the all time home run record, Albert Pujols!  

Cleaning up and playing in the outfield, a man who had he cheated and recovered from injuries the quick and lazy way would already have more than 800 home runs, a ten time Gold Glove winner, Ken Griffey Jr!  Catching for the Cleaners is none other than Joe Mauer.  Playing shortstop, is the true Yankee great of the twenty first century, Derek Jeter.  Career .310 hitter Chipper Jones will play Third base, and Cardinal Killer Carlos Beltran will play in the outfield.   Batting but not playing in the field is Miguel Cabrera.  And Pitching for the Cleaners is none other than 355 game winner and 18 time Gold Glove winner, Greg Maddux! 

 

Protecting El Hombre

After the debacle that was the four game series with the Mets, in which the Cardinals were lucky to even win a single game thanks to a masterful pitching performance by Joel Pineiro (bet you NEVER thought you would hear “masterful performance” and “Joel Pineiro” in the same sentence), the Cardinals offensive problems became even more clear. After one Albert Pujols, there is not much pop to this lineup. But then again, after Albert Pujols, how can the batter that follows him even compare? We are witnessing one of the best players to ever play the game of baseball. Pujols is crushing the ball at an unprecedented rate and with his .356 batting average with runners in scoring position, he is driving in runs at a record rate as well.

While Cardinals fans are blessed with the bat and presence of Albert Pujols, they are also cursed with the bat and presence of Albert Pujols. Touting the horn of almost every major sports writer, there is NO REASON to pitch to this guy, especially when he has nobody backing him up. Right now, the Cards are experiencing a power outage in the cleanup spot. Overall, the Cards are batting .224 as a team in the number four slot with a grand total of 48 RBIs and 13 home runs. Compared to Pujols’ .324 average, 26 home runs and 70 RBIs, it’s clear that no matter who is in that clean up hole, pitching around Pujols is the smart option.

This was not always the case. In 2004, the Cardinals won 105 games on their way to a National League Pennant and an appearance in the World Series. That year, Pujols had the protection he rightfully deserved and needed. The Cardinals batted an above par .286 with 35 home runs and 122 RBIs over the course of the entire season. This was caused mostly by the other two members of the MV3, Jim Edmonds and Scott Rolen, the latter taking most of the at-bats from the four spot on his way to an MVP caliber season.

Even last year protecting Pujols was not as hard of a task. The Cardinals batted a respectable .267 as a team, smashing 34 home runs and tallying 113 RBIs. But this year’s version of the Cardinals is not that different from last year’s. What is it that has changed?

If you guessed it’s because Troy Glaus has been hurt all season, you’d be wrong. Granted the absence of Glaus’s bat has been a factor in the lack of offense this season, he only had 114 at-bats last year in the cleanup spot. Ryan Ludwick was the lucky one who protected Pujols last year and he did a splendid job collecting 20 home runs and nearly 60 RBIs on his way to building a .295 batting average from the four hole. Now THAT’S protection.

This year, however, has been a slightly different story. Ludwick has not been as dependable. Granted he has been hurt, but he is clearly not seeing the ball correctly.

Rick Ankiel, who split time with Ludwick in the 4th spot last year, is yet to have a hit in that spot. During this four game set with the Mets, Ankiel alone stranded six base runners from the four hole. Ankiel is struggling this year, there’s no doubt about that, and it’s beginning to look like struggling is just another day at the office for Ankiel. I like the guy, how could you not? But pitchers are beginning to figure him out, and until he makes some proper adjustments, he’s not your answer to protect Pujols.

So, who do you put in that spot? Ludwick is struggling as I previously stated, but he does have some upside. Ludwick is the only other Cardinal besides Pujols to be batting over .300 with runners in scoring position (.321 to be exact). My advice is to always go with him. He will get pitches to hit. And if he’s in the lineup everyday, it’s only a matter of time until his overall average starts climbing back toward the .300 mark.

So, how do you protect the best hitter in the game? It’s not an easy task and I don’t envy Tony LaRussa trying to find the perfect side dish to Albert’s main course. Although, another option may be one that LaRussa simply hasn’t explored. Why not put El Hombre himself in the four spot? Think about it. If Albert comes to bat in the first inning, then that means there HAS to be a runner on base, which is always the situation you want when Albert comes to bat. If he doesn’t get that first inning at bat, then he’s leading off the next inning. If pitchers choose to pitch to him, then that’s awesome. It’s not the ideal situation, but Pujols will see some pitches to hit. If pitchers want to pitch around him and lead the inning off with a runner on first, then that’s great. The opposition is giving a struggling offense a jump start that they desperately need.

So why not let Albert protect Albert? You’re already not scoring enough runs. What’s the worst that can happen?