The PED All Star Game!

As the All Star Game approaches here in tropical St. Louis, fans await the Home Run Derby, the Futures game, and of course the main event (assuming it doesn’t end in a tie and Albert gets to bat).  The one event however that isn’t getting a lot of press right now is the Performance Enhancers All Star game. 

(Before we go any further, I’d like to emphasize that this blog does not attempt to accuse any player of using PEDs nor do I mean to condemn any player currently accused of PED use.  This is for fun people!  All players listed as PED users came from the Mitchell Report, or have since come out in the Press.) 

           

            The rules of the game are simple.  The top alleged PED users will play a team comprised of the best clean players from the PED era as well as the best players in the new “clean” era.  Since this event is all about celebrating stains on America’s Pastime, teams will designate a hitter for their pitchers.  The game will be played on Astroturf, and fans are encouraged to do the wave after consuming ten $12 beers. 

            With that in mind, From out of Right Field proudly announces the lineups for the first ever Performance Enhancers All Star Game!  Fans feel free to boo and release years of anger at the following team’s outright disregard for the code of baseball. 

 

            Batting first and playing second base for Team PED, with a career .289 batting average and 407 illegitimate stolen bases, Chuck Knoblauch! 

Batting second and playing shortstop, the 2004 Home Run Derby champion and age defying Dominican, Miguel Tejada! 

Batting third, this man needs no introduction, 514 stolen bases, 762 career home runs, 7 MVP awards (3 of which belong to Albert Pujols) and owner of Major League Baseball’s largest head both literally and figuratively, Barry Bonds!  

In the cleanup spot, St. Louis’ own fallen hero with 583 questionable home runs, first baseman, Mark McGwire!  Providing protection for the former Home Run king is none other than future pretender to Aaron’s throne, third baseman, Alex Rodriguez.  

               

Rounding out the bottom of the order in no real order, the Dominican mute Sammy Sosa, the now much more fertile Manny Ramirez, and the Godfather of the Steroid Age, Jose Canseco!  

Finally, pitching and electing not to bat, 300 game winner Roger Clemens! 

 

Starting in the field for the hometown Cleaners, playing second base and leading off, with over 3000 legitimate hits, Craig Biggio!  Playing in the outfield and batting in his oddly familiar second spot in the lineup, with 8 Gold Gloves, and 382 clean home runs, St. Louis’ own prodigal son, Jim Edmonds. 

Playing first base, and hitting in the three spot, the now unanimously voted greatest hitter in baseball and possible savior of the all time home run record, Albert Pujols!  

Cleaning up and playing in the outfield, a man who had he cheated and recovered from injuries the quick and lazy way would already have more than 800 home runs, a ten time Gold Glove winner, Ken Griffey Jr!  Catching for the Cleaners is none other than Joe Mauer.  Playing shortstop, is the true Yankee great of the twenty first century, Derek Jeter.  Career .310 hitter Chipper Jones will play Third base, and Cardinal Killer Carlos Beltran will play in the outfield.   Batting but not playing in the field is Miguel Cabrera.  And Pitching for the Cleaners is none other than 355 game winner and 18 time Gold Glove winner, Greg Maddux!